Saturday, August 12, 2006
after thinking lots and lots, and after reading my archives and some people's blogs, i realised how ____ ive become. i think i need to learn to let go. learn to accept myself as i am. and learn not to be over-dependent on things i shouldnt be dependent on. only after i truly let Him take control over my life, only after i truly let Him fill that empty space, will i be able to lead a true and happy life. yep, I really need God in my life.
but after so long, i still find it very difficult. no matter how many times i have tried to dedicate my life to Him, how many times ive tried to truly, sincerely, once and for all make Him the one. I always find myself in search for something more, until eventually i find i dont even know what im looking for anymore, and i just dont seem to be able to get it. which is probably the reason why im really quite unhappy these days. looking back, i always find myself so innocent, so happy, and i really want that again. and when im not happy, i find myself being deserted from the people around me, and then it becomes even more depressing, and its a cycle all again. its time to break that cycle. you cant expect the people around you to stop and wait for you, to give you that ___ you're looking for, but you have to go out and reach the people around you. no one said it was easy, but its worth your while.
and i want to say im sorry, i think i expected too much out of you. the world does not revolve around me, i know. i also know that at times though it might seem that you dont care, i know that we will still be the best of friends forever. :)
now i just want to end this endless search for something that will never be enough to fill my heart because what is the only thing that can fill it is actually right in front of me. it is everywhere, waiting for me to grasp hold of it. in a way this is linked to lst night's concert, because when he spoke i thought to myself; do i really know God? is it a relationship or just knowledge. what He wants is not just knowledge but a true relationship with Him.
i need to learn to let go and to walk in faith. many times have i failed. many times has it not happened. but let it be no more! it is a process, a learning journey that i shall stepforth today.
never give up. till the very end.
after all these i truly feel a great freedom somehow! its like this great happiness just fell upon my head. right here, right now! its amazing.
its no longer the superficiality of life.